Today started off pretty sweet. I woke up and farted under the covers. Then I stuffed Becky's head down there. She said it smelled bad, but I told her it smelled good. She agreed, and cooked me a pot roast. I got to level 74 on Grand Theft Auto, then I beat up a priest. Joey was downstairs making friendship bracelets, so I peed on his parents' toilet seat. Then, I put bleach in his iced tea, and drank some motor oil. I got like 50 more chest hairs after that, which I sold on eBay to some guy in England. I never sent them, though. Instead I sent a clam and a half eaten Dorito. I felt like playing Smash TV, but I didn't have it. So, instead, I went to Danny Tanner's house and smashed his TV. Then, I made him cook me lobster. When he wasn't looking, I switched the lobster with a brick. And when he wasn't looking again, I switched the brick with his face. He cried, but then I told him the story about how I ate 50lbs of beef jerky just by looking at it! Then I made him write "Mrs. Nesbit's Ass Hat" on his face with a Sharpie. I don't know who Mrs. Nesbit is, but she probably needed an asshat. I went to the pet store and bought a crocodile. It gave me lip, so I traded it in at The Video Game Exchange. At first, they said they didn't take crocodiles, but then, I opened a Boston Market...in Boston! They took the crocodile, and gave me $50 worth of store credit. I used it to buy an Atlasphere! I rolled that thing all around town, until I finally got tired and drank a PBR. A cop pulled me over, and said I was drunk driving. I reminded him that I was in an Atlasphere, and that I was Uncle Jesse. He corrected himself and said, "I meant you were totally sweet driving. Here's a lottery ticket." The ticket was a winner too. I went home and Becky said we should save the money for Nicky and Alex's college fund. Instead, I bought 3,456 pinwheels and a sombrero. She went to bed lucky she was married to me. I went to bed and ate 45 pieces of ham in 2 seconds. Then I re-wrote the Declaration of Independence...in my sleep! Tomorrow, I'll probably wash my Atlasphere with Joey's gay RedWings jersey. That'll teach him.